The unbearable lightness of getting rid of things

You can do this. We can do this. Promise.

I shared a list a few weeks ago of places that will take items you’re getting rid of and reuse or recycle them (click here if you missed “5 No-guilt ways to part with clutter”).

But what if you can’t even get started? If you can’t bear to part with your clutter? What if it causes you physical pain to imagine getting rid of things…even though you know you should?

This post is for you!

Building the muscle of decluttering is a useful lifelong skill. The more you do it, the easier it gets—promise! Believe it or not, I used to be a collector, a hanger-on of memories. I had bins and bins of mementos. Magazine clippings, posters, and old ballet pointe shoes covered all the walls of my childhood bedroom.

But over the years I became a decluttering bodybuilder (how far will I take this metaphor?) and now I get a surge of dopamine whenever I get rid of something. I even get dopamine when I reminisce about getting rid of things. The rewards are there if you can push through the initial resistance.

If only I could telegraph to you how good this feels

Decluttering’s siren song calls you, reader, promising many riches:

• Aforementioned dopamine hits

• Time back. You’ll be shocked how much time you’d been spending dealing with and working around clutter. Everyone who massively declutters notices how much more free time they have afterwards.

• Lower stress. Looking at clutter raises cortisol levels (our stress hormone), particularly in women.

• Saved money. Decluttering teaches your body that it’s painful to accumulate things, making impulse purchases less fun.

With our motivation refreshed, I’ll next cover what clutter is, technically. Then we’ll explore strategies for parting with the most challenging types of clutter.

Find out what’s really going on

Let’s define our terms quickly. Clutter is stuff you don’t use regularly or enjoy looking at. Most pro organizers agree that if you don’t use it or deeply love and display it, then it’s extraneous and likely needs to go.

Know that clutter is never about the Stuff. Whether you’re a minimalist or maximalist, holding onto stuff that isn’t serving you isn’t about the objects themselves.It’s rather about the emotions underneath, so if you’re struggling then consider what the stuff represents to you, or what it’s helping cover up.

For instance:

• If you hang onto old magazines, books, etc, could it be about feeling insecure about missing important information?

• Could the inherited china (or inherited whatever it is) be about missing the person who passed away, or a self-identity that it’s your job to preserve the family history? Is this a role you truly need to take on?

• Could your collection of concert posters be about remembering the person you used to be, who used to go to lots of concerts? Does getting rid of them make you worry you’ll be losing a part of yourself?

• What about your hoard of craft supplies? Do you collect art supplies you never use because you have a vision of being the sort of person who makes art every day?

• The endless pseudo-frugality of “what if I need this one day” could be covering past trauma you haven’t processed, or a scarcity mindset.

What to do with your new insight

Once you understand what’s driving your attachment to the objects, the next step is to separate the emotion from the object.

• If your attachment is sentimental (photos, inherited items, childhood artwork), consider how you can honor the memory without holding onto the item. Consider that keeping a dusty box of something in the basement you never look at isn’t really honoring the memory. You could photograph the item, or digitize physical photos, or frame a corner of the special blanket, or make a photo album of the most special memories, perhaps with a handwritten caption giving the history and context. Ask yourself how you can best honor the memory that the physical item represents.

• If your attachment is identity (as in, this object represents part of my identity), reflect on the fact that you’re still you regardless of owning this object. Also, does having the items stuffed into a closet you never look at really do anything to reaffirm this identity? Maybe you can choose the single most special item (say it’s a concert poster, ticket stub, or photo) and display it proudly, while getting rid of the rest of the collection.

• If you can’t let go of the dream of a future, improved self (for instance, a collection of art supplies or jeans that you hope to one day fit into), reflect on the reality of who you are today and embrace that person. It is simply unkind to yourself to hold onto clothes that don’t fit — do not let your clothing police your body, period.* Think about the unused art supplies being so sad to be neglected, and how much happier they’ll be living with someone who uses and enjoys them. Consider that when you are ready to embrace your art-making self, there will be art supplies in the world ready to be adopted.

• If the stress of how much you spent on X makes it feel impossible to get rid of, know this is a very human reaction. It even has a name: the sunk-cost fallacy.

  

  The thing with sunk costs is the money has been spent. It’s gone, disappeared, caput. No future behavior will un-spend the money. So rather than hold onto the item and be haunted by your wasted money while continuing to invest in owning the item, cut your losses and let it go.

  The money is gone either way, and if you let go of the stuff, you’re at least gaining a little freedom. And trust me, once it’s gone the memory of wasted money won’t haunt you so much. Feel free to Google “sunk cost fallacy” for infinite articles convincing you to cut your losses and move on.

• I can’t afford to get rid of things I might need one day. I can’t comment on everyone’s personal finances, but often when people accumulate random objects with a goal of saving money, they don’t give weight to the cost side of owning and storing said objects. It’s harder to move and be nimble in life, you need a larger home, you spend more time dealing with the items, etc. There is a real cost there, so just be sure to factor that into your cost/benefit.

Why you need to do this work yourself

I know, I’m full of good news in this article, aren’t I? Now I’m saying you can’t even outsource this agony!

Here’s the thing though: the getting-rid-of process helps you avoid future accumulation. This is huge.

Doing the physical and emotional work of getting rid of clutter trains your body that accumulation of stuff leads to pain. This is a good thing. It will give you pause before you impulse-buy the next item. This why I’m a little leery of outsourcing your decluttering to a professional organizer or friend. Help is great, but be sure you are doing the physical work yourself as much as your abilities allow. This is important somatic encoding.

Cautions

Here are some common pitfalls I’ll caution against when you’re in the decluttering stage of home organizing:

• Do not buy bins or anything new stuff to organize your clutter. Buying more stuff will not save you, I promise you this!

• Do not follow the Home Edit (their color-organized bookshelves make me rage) or consume social media that focuses on how attractive organized things look — the goal here isn’t to achieve an aesthetic

• Before you begin decluttering, envision the life you want to have. Perhaps your dream is to feel easeful and relaxed in your home, with lots of time with family and not gagging people to clean up their stuff. Keep that vision in mind to power you through tough moments.

Now you!

Please add tips and experiences in the comments — I’d love this post to be a go-to resource of decluttering wisdom and motivation. Or if you struggle with a certain type of clutter, share your challenges so we can workshop!

Last week’s brilliant insights

As has become the norm, readers had some great insights on last week’s Car factory kitchen post (if you’re confused, click to read) about doing dishes:

• Decluttering the kitchen as the solution to it all (truly, decluttering is a miracle!)

• How to keep things calm and clean even without a dishwasher

• Making a beautiful dish drying mat to elevate the whole experience

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I truly love each and every comment. My dream for this newsletter is to create a community that trades ideas and helps each other problem-solve. I’m so grateful to each of you for contributing, so please don’t ever be shy to ask a question or share a tip.

* There is an excellent rant from Glennon Doyle in her podcast (which I can’t really tolerate but there are some gems in there) wherein she declares “Everything in my closet is so f*cking tight. My jeans are so tight. I gained 5 lbs and couldn’t wear any of my clothes. Why? I have created my closet in a way that reminds me every single day ‘don’t you step out of line.’ I have spent *money* on clothes that are policing my body. So the next day I went in my closet and packed up every single tight thing. I own no more tight clothes. I’ve decided I don’t want clothes that give me any feedback.” This totally changed my approach to clothes.